Moves Like Curtis: 2013 Week 4

Bills Jets Football
Thursday Games

49ers (1-2, Lost vs. Colts) vs. Rams ( 1-2, Lost vs. Cowboys)

So it seems that San Francisco has hit a crisis of confidence. After being pounded into sand by Seattle, the team doesn’t seem to be able to keep it together–which is weird, because this is a frighteningly good team on paper.  The addition of Anquan Boldin to a core that includes such stars as Frank Gore and Vernon Davis should make Colin Kaepernick look like a superstar, but they’ve dropped two in a row and threaten to join The Aluminums and The Runts in the no-nickname club if this trend continues.

I don’t think it will, though.  Yes, I think the Rams are improved, and will continue to improve until they’re major contenders for a Wild Card berth.  But they’re not yet up to the 49ers level, and Sam Bradford is still struggling under center.  The game should be close, but San Fran should get its confidence back by a possession or less.

Sunday Games–1 p.m.

Ravens (2-1, Won vs. Texans) vs. Our Bitch (1-2, Lost vs. Paper Planes)

The Ravens have been experiencing some growing pains–and some injuries–but they’re kinda showing the world that they were right in putting their faith in The Marlboro Man (and may I say I find it weird seeing said Marlboro Man without his Marlboro-Man-like ‘stache.  Was he afraid of Khan’s ‘stache and backed down?).   And given the complete topsy-turvyness of the AFC North, there may very well be a chance that Baltimore will net a wildcard with enough Gimme Games.

And Our Bitch is a Gimme Game.  After a strong opening, E.J. Manuel is proving to be just the kind of rookie QB we thought he’d be, and C.J. Spiller is very easily confounded by a stiff defense.  This is the perfect game for the Ravens to exert their authority on the world.  Expect them to squash Our Bitch by a possession or more.

Bengals (2-1, Won vs. Packers) vs. Browns ( 1-2, Won vs. Vikings)

Hey, Cleveland!  Congratulations!  It seems that by accident, you’ve uncovered a true starting quarterback.  Yes. Brandon Weeden is good, but Brian Hoyer is better.  The man managed last week’s game and took advantage of the Browns’ improved offense to handily beat the Vikes.  You might actually reach .500 this year and are even closer to becoming a wildcard contender. Hell, you may even sweep the Aluminums!

But you won’t beat A.J. Green, Football Spock and The Bengals.  They are, more than ever, the elite of this division, and they will beat you by two possessions.  But don’t despair–good times are coming for your blank, named-after-your-first-owner, autumn-dressed selves!

Lions (2-1, Won vs. Native Americans) vs. Bears (3-0, Won vs. Steelers)

I’m glad Detroit is finally getting out of their own ways and racking up wins in what is shaping up to be a winnable division.  However, ol’ Glass Jaw is no Kid Nastyman…so while I may claim Megatron is better than Brandon Marshall, I don’t think those passes will reach Mr. Johnson.  The superior Chicago defense should shut down Reggie Bush dead in his tracks, resulting in da Bears winning by a possession to a possession and a half.

Chiefs (3-0, Won vs. Eagles) vs. Runts (0-3, Lost vs. Panthers)

Thank you, Mara Organization!  Thank you for generating a Giants team so awful no fan of Big Blue can get in my face and mock me for my love of Gang Green.  Thank you for letting the team decay so badly that I’m able to take away their nickname and put them on a level with my team.

There’s no getting around it–New York is The Capital of Awful Football this year, and Eli Manning is its mayor.  Never has there been such a spectacular contrast between last year and this, where an offense simply cannot. Score.  I wonder if they’re going to win anything between now and their bye week (for that matter, I’m wondering if the question is not if there’ll be a 0-16 team this year, but how many).  There has to be some major work done to turn Lil’ Blue around, and I am beginning to think a clean sweep might be needed to bring them back up to .500.

And having them run into Andy Reid’s New Gang of Rib-Lovin’, Hard Punchin’, High Scorin’ Chiefs is just going to add more insult to their injuries.  Expect the runts to slump even lower than they are now when they lose by a possession to two possessions.

Aluminums (0-3, Lost vs. Bears) vs. Vikings ( 0-3, Lost vs. Browns)

I expected Pittsburgh to degrade.  I expected the Vikings to stink.  I did not expect these two to be in the same boat.  And even though I’ll take Big Rapey over The Ponderous One every time, I’ll also take Adrian Peterson over the whole Aluminums offense.  This is going to be an ugly, low-scoring game…but in the end Minnesota will rise above the shiny-but-useless Team With Six Super Bowl Rings That Should Give One Back For How Turrible They Play by a field goal or less.

Buccaneers (0-3, Lost vs. The Sucking Black Hole) vs. Cardinals (1-2, Lost vs. Saints)

I’m somewhat surprised by the positioning of Tampa Bay as the favorite in this match-up.  After all, the Buccs are saved from being the absolute worst team of the league solely by the dint of the Gerbils’ presence.  Even with the announcement of Josh Freeman’s replacement, there’s not much talent in Steve Schiano’s cupboard.  The Cards, on the other hand, actually have won a game with Carson ‘Spaghetti Arm’ Palmer, and will probably win more.  The only reason Arizona will come in last place is because they’re in a division with three other decent-to-amazing teams.  It’s the Cardinals who will spank the Buccs back into their creamsicle past by beating them by two possessions or more.

Colts (2-1, Won vs. 49ers) vs. Gerbils (0-3, Lost vs. Seahawks)

Yes.  I know.

I was just as shocked as you all were by the Gerbils’ scoring a touchdown against Seattle.  And given that this sad sack excuse for a high school football team has probably reached its scoring high per game last week, I can’t see them winning against the very strong, very accomplished Indianapolis team.  Except Andrew Luck to net about a thousand passing yards in a win by three possessions or more.

Seahawks (3-0, Won vs. Gerbils) vs. Texans (2-1, Lost vs. Ravens)

This is going to be tough game, and because Houston is hosting, it could go either way.  I’m calling it for Seattle solely because they seem to be playing at a higher level more consistently than the Texans, but don’t be surprised if The Juggernaut gets a couple of hands on the ball and disrupts Russell Wilson’s game.  I expect the winner to do so by less than a possession.

Sunday Games–4:25 p.m

Titans (2-1, Won vs. Chargers) vs. Paper Planes (2-1, Won vs. Our Bitch)

The Titans are playing real well, mainly because Jake Locker has found his balls.  They were under the bed, beneath some dirty socks.  They’re winning games, and they’re winning games close.

The Paper Planes are playing better than I expected.  They managed to outscore Our Bitch, and they made The Sucking Black Hole sweat.  All of their games have been close.  There’s still tons of problems, not the least of which is their tendency to rack up penalties and their lack of a receiving corps worth a damn, but Geno Smith is actually playing within the realm of competence, and I’m actually considering giving them back their nickname (or upgrading them to their old non-nickname, The BiPlanes).

This is going to be another close game, and I think the teams are evenly matched.  But I think the Paper Planes’ Defense will be strong enough to prevent Tennessee from outscoring their offense.  Expect New York to slide past the Titans by less than a possession.

Broncos (3-0, Won vs. Ravens) vs. Eagles (1-2, Lost vs. Chiefs)

There’s talk of Peyton and Co. going 16-0.  I’m not sure about that, because, you know, ol’ Fetus Head doesn’t cheat like the Crybaby Quarterback did.  They will beat the tar out of the struggling Eagles, however, by two possessions or more.

Native Americans (0-3, Lost vs. Lions) vs. Raiders (1-2, Lost vs. Broncos)

Everyone’s probably thinking that this is going to be a good confidence builder for Washington, as Shanahan’s animosity towards Oakland will drive him to coach harder and push RG III to his first victory this season.

Except…the Raiders have been playing tough lately.  They’re hanging in games, they’re scoring points, and they’re losing close.  A team that’s playing tough is exactly what the Native Americans don’t need to see, because they will take advantage of their weaknesses.  I may be the only one calling it for Oakland, but I am, with the Black and Silver taking it by a possession or less.

Cowboys  (2-1, Won vs. Ram) vs. Chargers (1-2, Lost vs. Titans)

With all the other teams in their division suddenly acting like the Three Stooges, Dem Boys might be feeling pretty good about themselves.  They’re in the same seat as The Sucking Black Hole–namely the best team in a division of goofy.  If they can keep racking up the wins before their inevitable big slide in November and December, their berth as NFC East Champion is assured.

And luckily, The Chargers are a good fit for them.  Yes, the team is performing better than anyone expected now that they’re free of Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner–but they actually, you know, won a game in September.  But I don’t think they’re still got the consistency thing working for them, which Dallas should be able to exploit.  Expect Jerry’s Team to win by a possession and a half.

Sunday Games–8:20 p.m

Falcons (1-2, Lost vs. Colts) vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (3-0, Won vs. Buccs)

The Falcons are better than their record indicates.  New England is worse, having been lucky in the weakess of their schedule.  This could be the first real smack across the head of the Sinister Sweatshirt and his crew that they’re not going to roll easily into their AFC East Championship after all.  New England has suffered trying to score, and that’s going to bite them in the ass with Matty Ice and his gang when they rack up some serious points and win by two possessions.

Monday Games–7p.m

Saints  (3-0, Won vs. Cardinals) vs. Dolphins(3-0, Won vs. Falcons)

I think it’s safe to say that the Dolphins are one of the big surprises–I think it’s going to shock a lot of people when they end up winning their first tilt against the underperforming, underscoring Sucking Black Hole of Evil–but whenever I’m asked to choose between two teams and one of those teams is headed by Drew Brees and coached by Sean ‘The Drew Whisperer’ Payton, I will pick that team every time.  I expect New Orleans will triumph after a long battle (I smell some overtime) by a possession or less.

Week 3: 10-6
Season: 30-18

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Moves Like Curtis: 2013 Week 3

Thursday Games

Eagles (1-1, Lost vs. Chargers) Vs. Chiefs(2-0, Won vs. Cowboys)

I know in my guts that I should go with Chip Kelly and his Nu-Look Eagles.  They’re a unit that’s been together longer, it’s got a offense-intensive, super-fast game plan that no one’s really seen before, and it’s got some excellent weapons.  But…

We’ve seen one team every season flip their script completely and become a contender.  I’m beginning to think Kansas City is that team.  Maybe it’s the addition of the underrated Alex Smith behind center, or maybe it’s because Andy Reid just loves them ribs, but the Chiefs are firing on all cylinders, and I suspect that this will be another ‘shocking’ win for the red-and-yellow.  It’s going to be a high scoring game, but expect Kansas City to pull it out by a possession or less.

Sunday Games–1 p.m.

Packers (1-1, Won vs. Native Americans) Vs. Bengals (1-1, Won vs. Aluminums)

Yeah, it’s true that Green Bay literally pasted the Native Americans across the face last week–but I suspect that says more about Washington than Green Bay.  The Packers aren’t going to find a porous defense when it travels to Cincy, and Football Spock hasn’t degraded in play like RG III has.  I still don’t have the belief in Green Bay this year, which means I think we’ll see Da Tigers take out Da Pack by about a possession and a half.

Cowboys (1-1, Lost vs. Chiefs) Vs. Rams (1-1, Lost vs. Falcons)

Hey, Jerry Jones!  I know you’ve probably been feeling sad because the ‘Boys are off to a shaky start.  You’re probably thinking you need a pick me up right now to boost your morale.

Well, guess what?  You’re playing host to St. Louis.  Now, don’t get me wrong; the Rams are improved.  But I think your tangible assets outweigh theirs, and Sam Bradford is not as great a game manager as Tony Romo.  I think you’ll be able to squeeze out a victory by a field goal.

Titans (1-1, Lost vs. Texans) Vs. Chargers (1-1, Won vs. Eagles)

So the Chargers looked like the Chargers this past week, taking the head off of a formidable team they shouldn’t have won against.  This might be an indicator that the change in coach worked.  Seeing Rivers connecting with his receivers so effortlessly made me wonder if the team had decided to skip that early season swoon and go to just annihilating the enemy…

Which is bad news for the Titans.  Tennessee is still an aggressively mediocre team that may be a little overconfident because they were the first team to come up against the Aluminums and hung in the game against the Texans.  They are probably going to do a lot better this season than they were expected to, but walking into San Diego is going to prove to be akin to walking into a buzzsaw.  Expect the Titans to be dismantled by the Superchargers by two possessions.

Vikings (0-2, Lost vs. Bears) Vs. Browns (0-2, Lost vs. Ravens)

I think the Ponderous One needs an ego boost to keep the Vikes in the NFC North race, don’t you think?  Luckily for him, the Browns have decided they don’t want to have a running game or compete in their division this season by giving away Trent Richardson.  It seems that Cleveland suddenly went into rebuilding mode this week, which means they will be easy pickings for the problematic Minnesota.  Expect the Vikes to triumph over the Browns by a possession and a half.

The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (2-0, Won vs. Paper Planes) Vs. Buccaneers (0-2, Lost vs. Saints)

And so the Sinister Sweatshirt and his crew continue their drive to make their reputation bigger than it should be this year by rolling over Tampa Bay.  Never mind that New England has struggled for their last two wins.  Never mind that the Crybaby Quarterback’s continued deterioration has been exacerbated by having a bunch of know-nothing receivers.  They’re still going up against a team whose quarterback seems to have become incapable of playing football, and they’re going to win by a possession or less.

Saints (2-0, Won vs. Buccaneers) Vs. Cardinals (1-1, Won vs. Lions)

Well, now that the Brees Whisperer is back on his throne, New Orleans seems to be back on track to being the Kings of the NFC South.  And while the Cards are performing a lot better than anyone expected, they will fall to the Saints by a possession and a half.

Native Americans (0-2, Lost vs. Chargers) Vs. Lions (1-1, Lost vs. Cardinals)

Well…my assessment of Washington was way wrong, wasn’t it?  I wonder what would have happened if RG III was more mindful of his career than his endorsements and sat out the first few games, because now he’s not playing very well and the wheels have just fallen off that Team With The Racist Name.

And this couldn’t come at a better time for Detroit to meet up with them.  The Lions are still a team with a bunch of potential, but they’re struggling to get their rhythms together before Matthew ‘The Great Glass Body’ Stafford  shatters once again.  They need a boost, something to energize themselves over the next few weeks.  Beating a team everyone was proclaiming as a contender for the Super Bowl Crown before their stank gets into everyone’s nostrils might be just the thing.  I expect it’ll be close, but Detroit will roar into the winner’s circle by less than a possession.

Panthers (0-2, Lost vs. Bills) Vs. Giants (0-2, Lost vs. Broncos)

Carolina is better than their record indicates–but that seems to be their identity these days.  The Giants are struggling and are in danger of joining The Gerbils, The Paper Planes and this week’s addition to the Badly Chosen Nickname Club if Eli doesn’t realize he fought to be considered an elite quarterback, and not an elite quarterback’s little brother.  The Giants are hungry, they need a win, they want that win to be at home…

But it won’t be this game.  The last time the Panthers met with the not-so-gigantic Giants, Big Blue got pasted, and I suspect New York will get pasted again in the latest segment of a very ugly season for them.  Carolina should pull this out by a possession and a half.

Texans (2-0, Won vs. Titans) Vs. Ravens (1-1, Won vs. Browns)

It’s funny how the AFC North has gone totally Opposite Day on us.  The two teams that are considered the Masters Of This Particular Domain have collapsed to various degrees of incompetence–in the case of Baltimore, they’re beginning to feel the sting of their recent Miami Marlins-ing.  The Marlboro Man seems to be struggling with his offense’s new configuration and, while they’re better off than Pittsburgh, they’re going to take a while to get back on their footing and become competitive…which means that they’re meeting Houston at the wrong time.  The Ravens will be plucked by the superior defenses of the Texans, while their offense will struggle.  Expect Houston to win by two possessions or more.

Sunday Games–4:25 p.m

Dolphins (2-0, Won vs. Colts) Vs. Falcons (1-1, Won vs. Rams)

The Dolphins are playing extremely well, so well they’ll probably be in contention for the AFC East for a while.  Under Tannehill, they’re playing with a certain confidence that will serve them well as they enter into a winning record in their division (I’m calling it at 4-2) and a wildcard berth.  Which is why I think they won’t be too broken up by a loss to Atlanta.  I think that, when all is said and done, the Dirty Birds have better offensive weapons, and their quarterback has better command of them.  While this will be a very high scoring game–both teams’ defense are kind of iffy–we should see Atlanta victorious by a possession or less.

Paper Planes (1-1, Lost vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil) Vs. Bills (1-1, Won vs. Panthers)

You know, in the past I’ve called the Bills ‘Our Bitch,’ because they always seem to lose to my favorite team.

They’re not losing to them this week.

This could be an aberration, much like the Season of Fitzpatrick’s amazing start…but the fact is that this new configuration has been playing hard.  Even in their loss against the Sucking Black Hole of Evil, Buffalo has racked up over twenty points and were in the game to the end.  The Planes, on the other hand, are playing better than I expected under Geno’s Pizza Delivery Smith–but they struggle to get more than a single touchdown on the board.  Even with the undeniable chemistry Smith has with Kellen Winslow, even with Santonio Holmes truly wanting to step up, the team would have to rely on Steve ‘Syrup Hands’ Hill and the other chuckleheaded wideouts to catch, you know, something to match Buffalo’s score…and they won’t.  It’ll be close, but the Bills will win by a possession or less.

49ers (1-1, Lost vs. Seahawks) Vs. Colts (1-1, Lost vs. Dolphins)

Even though Colin Kaepernick got a big ol’ dose of humility last Sunday, the 49ers are still one of the toughest teams in the league right now with a fluid, mercurial offense designed to give people fits.  And even though the Colts are good under Luck, San Francisco should still beat Indianapolis down by a possession and a half.

Seahawks (2-0, Won vs. 49ers) Vs. Gerbils (0-2, Lost vs. Raiders)

Do I Need To Go Into This Mark I?  The Seahawks are my pick for the NFC Championship, and just stripped the 49ers of all their dignity on national television.  And the Gerbils…

Look, I’ll be honest, Jacksonville fans–enjoy that touchdown last week, because this team is so rancid–maybe even more rancid than last season–that I don’t think they’re going to find the endzone again.  This team will most likely be the lowest scoring team of this season, if not in NFL history, and it won’t surprise me if they go 1-15 or 0-16.  They’re that bad.  I cannot see any team on its schedule it can beat, even with some good offensive weapons.  I don’t care if it’s Blaine Gabbert or Chad Henne behind center, this team is sunk.  The Seahawks will annihilate the Gerbils by at least three possessions, if not a trillion.

Sunday Games–8:20 p.m

Bears (2-0, Won vs. Vikings) Vs. Aluminums (0-2, Lost vs. Bengals)

Hey!  Guess who just joined the ‘Team With New Nicknames’ Club!

Pittsburgh seems to have thoroughly collapsed, which has taken everyone by surprise (I honestly expected this collapse to happen to Baltimore; sure, the Ravens have regressed, but nowhere nearly as badly as this team).  This is going to be one of these seasons the fans of The Black And Gold will watch with their hands over their eyes.  This is the kind of season that would usually guarantee the firing of a head coach, if the owners wasn’t the Rooneys.  And to add insult to injury, Kid Nastyman and his crew are rolling in on a serious hot streak.  The Bears are going to crumple the Aluminums like a Pepsi can easily by two possessions of more.

Monday Games–7p.m

Broncos (2-0, Won vs. Giants) Vs. Raiders (1-1, Won vs. Gerbils)

Do I Need To Go Into This Mark II?  Peyton Manning is in his groove, the Raiders are not.  The Broncos will win by two and a half possessions or more.

See you next week.

Week 2: 10-6
Season: 20-12

Moves Like Curtis: 2013 Week 2 *

Thursday Games

Paper Planes (1-0, won vs. Buccs) Vs. The Sucking Black Hole of Evil (1-0, barely won vs. Bills)

Okay, my fellow Planes fans, calm down.  Yes, Geno Smith didn’t embarrass himself and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers apparently didn’t want to win this game at all.  But the key of this is that The Buccs lost rather than the Planes won. New York is still a dreadful team with no effective offensive weapons; thankfully, the running back committee of Powell and Ivory might actually serve to stretch the field, which does nothing if the Planes don’t have any wideouts worth a damn.

So while last week’s game showed that New England is, in fact, in bad straits–they almost got beat by The Bills, people!–this game will be akin to the Planes running into a whole school of roaming buzzsaws (No, not the Mike Asti kind; the ‘metal discs that tear you apart kind).  The Planes do terrible in Foxboro, and they do even more terribly on short rest.  This will be a disaster, with Gang Green scoring less than ten points, while The Sweatshirt commands his minions to rack up the score by three possessions or more.

Sunday Games–1 p.m.

Rams (1-0, Won vs. Cardinals) Vs. Falcons (0-1, Lost vs. Saints)

St. Louis continues to improve under Jeff Fisher and, to be fair, it’s not like they were in dire straits before Fisher showed up.  The Rams were in a slow and steady state of improvement (unlike another team in a West Division who seem to have exploded into a better state, as we’ll see below) for a while now.  The sad thing is they may be in last place in the NFC West solely because someone has to…

…and that schedule, which sees them facing both the NFC and AFC South, plus the Cowboys.  Some of these teams are out of their league and some of them are bad matches for them.  Which is why I think Matt Ryan and his crew is going to win after a back and forth struggle by a possession and a half.

Chargers (0-1, Lost vs. Texans) Vs. Eagles (1-0, Won vs. Native Americans)

Well, It Seems Like Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner may have been Good Enough for San Diego, because that performance last Monday was terrible.  Hell, they’re so terrible it might prevent Oakland from settling in on its haunches in the last place of the AFC West.  This team is all over the place, and doesn’t have an effective offense or defense.  I fear that this isn’t Turner’s trick of doing poorly the first quarter or so and streaking the rest of the way; this just isn’t a good team at all.

On the other hand, we have Chip Kelly’s magic act over in Philly.  I think we all expected the Iggles to improve after that FEMA-needing disaster of last year, but no one expected Michael Vick to take to his schemes so quickly and beat the Native Americans.  Granted, it’s not going to last–Vick is just not that good in the long run, but I wouldn’t be surprised in the NFC East is a three-man race, as everyone leaves the Giants in the dust.

This game comes at a great time in Philly’s schedule, as it should allow Kelly to build on the momentum they gained by that win.  I suspect when all is said and done, The Iggles will be flying high by a possession and a half or more.

Cowboys (1-0, Won vs. Giants) Vs. Chiefs (1-0, Won vs. Gerbils)

I still think the Cowboys will be one of the two teams standing when the NFC East reaches the finish line, but I was a little disturbed by the performance Romo and Co. gave Sunday night.  They didn’t seem…well, coordinated enough to be a credible threat to the Native Americans.  I think a good team with a tighter offense could steal a crucial win from them.

And guess what?  The now Andy-fied Chiefs might be a good team with a tighter offense.  This is the kind of team that will take advantage of Dallas’ disconnected play, and will end up with a narrow win by about a possession or less.

Dolphins (1-0, Won vs. Browns) Vs. Colts (1-0, Won vs. Raiders)

The Dolphins are good–if anyone has a chance of unseating The Sucking Black Hole of Evil, it’s them.  The Colts are better.  Indianapolis will take this one home by a field goal.

Titans (1-0, Won vs. Steelers) Vs. Texans (1-0, Won vs. Chargers)

The Titans are probably feeling pretty good about themselves after beating up The Steelers.  Never mind that this is a Pittsburgh team that’s old, creaking and not performing as they should–something that may see the team tumble-down the NFC North.  This good feeling will end when they run right into the Quarterback Shredding Machine that is J.J. Watt and the Texans offense.  This is going to be a comedown for Tennessee as Houston wins it by one to two possessions.

Native Americans (0-1, Lost vs. Eagles) Vs. Packers (0-1, Lost vs. 49ers)

This should be a really, really exciting game, as the Young Guns of The Native Americans take on the Now Wiley Vets of The Packers.  Both teams need a win to boost their  morale, but I think it’s Washington that will take it.  The Lambeau Field home advantage has eroded to the point of inconsequentiality, and the Pack is feeling the loss of some of its offensive weapons.  It’ll still be a low-scoring game–I do think the Green Bay defensive line might contain RGIII, forcing him to stay in the pocket and limiting his ability to self-stretch the field–but the Native Americans will end up getting out of Wisconsin with a coup by taking the game by a field goal to a possession.

Browns (0-1, Lost vs. Dolphins) Vs. Ravens (0-1, Lost vs. Broncos)

So the Browns lost…but they were in it until the bitter end, which makes me think that the addition of Norv ‘Good Enough For Government Work’ Turner as Offensive Coordinator might bring out the best in this young but nascent team.

On the other hand, the Ravens lost, too…and in doing so lost a couple of key players.  I had already pegged the AFC North as being one of the divisions with the most upheaval, and if the Miami-Marlins-ization of Baltimore didn’t topsy-turvy this team’s fortunes, the elimination of those key players most likely did.

Thus I am calling this game for Cleveland, who will squeak by in a tight game by less than a possession.  People will then check to see if Hell has frozen over.

Panthers (0-1, Lost vs. Seahawks) Vs. Bills (0-1, Lost vs. The Sucking Black Hole Of Evil)

It seems like Cam Newton decided not to be a chucklehead this season, which is why this team actively made Seattle sweat.  This is a team that might be moving closer to contending for a wildcard, especially given the improvement of their defense.  They should find The Bills little trouble, even with the resurgence of C.J. Spiller.  Expect a victory for the Cats O’Carolina by a possession.

Vikings (0-1, Lost vs. Lions) Vs. Bears (1-0, Won vs. Bengals)

I truly wonder why Minnesota is not willing to give up on The Ponderous One.  The man simply is Not Good, an actual hindrance as opposed to a help when it comes to the Vikes winning games.  Everyone knows that this team made the playoffs last year on Adrian Peterson’s back, and its only a matter of time before the best running back around isn’t able to do everything himself…which is why I think Chicago is going to take this one.  Kid Nastyman is a NFL Pro Quarterback and not a scrub who stumbled into the best damn situation a scrub can stumble into.  Expect da Bears to once more maul their inter-division rivals by one or two possessions.

Sunday Games–4:25 p.m

Saints (1-0, Won vs. Falcons) Vs. Buccaneers (0-1, Lost Vs. Paper Planes)

The Saints are whole again, as the Falcons found out last week.  The Buccs were shaky at best, accruing penalties like they were Golden Tickets and experiencing some horrific play from their no-longer-team-captain Josh Freeman.  N’awlins will pummel Tampa Bay into submission by roughly two possessions.

Lions (1-0, Won vs. Vikings) Vs. Cardinals (0-1, Lost vs. Rams)

Even with all the Suh Mishegosh, Detroit may have found their groove back after their downturn last season.  Of course, there are loads of factors that might contribute to them falling back on their losing ways–in addition to Suh maybe not getting the message, there’s Matt Stafford maybe shattering like a teacup again, Megatron maybe underperforming….well, you get the idea.

But I doubt any of that will happen this weekend, much to the Cardinals’ chagrin.  It’ll be a close game, but Detroit will find themselves undefeated by snatching one from Arizona by a field goal or less.

Gerbils (0-1, Lost vs. Chiefs) Vs. Raiders (0-1, Lost Vs. Colts)

I’m going to give The Tribe Of Davis some credit–they played a lot better against Indianapolis than I expected them to.  They might not be in The Loser Scrum For First Draft Pick as I thought they’d be.  They’re not going to make the playoffs.  They’ll prolly still be in last place.  But they’ll be in many more games than Kelen expect them to be, and they’ll prolly behead teams that are worst them they are…and who’s worse than the Gerbils?  Expect Oakland to ride into the sunset with a win by a possession and a half.

Broncos (1-0, Won vs. Ravens) Vs. Giants (0-1, Lost vs. Cowboys)

Hey, you wanna know which team is in danger of losing their nickname next?

After that shockingly bad performance by Big Blue last week, they’re right up there with The Ravens and The Steelers as the biggest surprise of all.  They may end up finding themselves deep in fourth place in the NFC East, especially after the performance of Philadelphia against The Native Americans.  Eli Manning isn’t just degrading like a certain crybaby up north, he’s crashing like original X-Box about to show you the Red Circle of Death.  This is true crisis mode for New York…

…and having Peyton Manning and his Orange Yahoos wandering into That-Thing-I-Refuse-To-Call-MetLife isn’t going to help any.  The Giants’ defense is simply not ready to fend off the Peyton-to-Wes Connection, and my fear is that this is going to be another ugly show put on by Coach Coughlin and his team.  Expect Denver to overtake the Blue Boys by two possessions.

Sunday Games–8:20 p.m

49ers (1-0, Won vs. Packers) Vs. Seahawks (1-0, Won Vs. Panthers)

Ahhh, the elite versus the elite.  Even though Zach and I disagreed on who would make the NFC West Championship and who would be a wildcard, we both agreed these were the teams to beat in this conference.

And the only reason I’m saying Seattle is going to come out on top by a possession to a possession and a half?  It’s their home ground, and the Seahawks are the only team in the league that can still claim to have a home field advantage.  Still, you won’t be able to get me away from television set during this game.

Monday Games–7p.m

Steelers (0-1, Lost vs. 49ers) Vs. Bengals (0-1, Lost vs. Bears)

Hey, Football Spock!  Remember how you were told to be afraid of the Steelers?  Well, forget that.  You’re at the head of a team that is healthy, more offensively versatile and can kick the sorry shell of Pittsburgh around for an hour.  Your dominance of the AFC North will continue as you start your sweep of it this Monday by a possession and a half.

See you next week.

* This was sent to me on the 12th. I didn’t see it until last night. 1-0 Tom, 1-0! – Kelen

Moves Like Curtis – 2013 Week 1

Thursday Games

Ravens Vs. Broncos

And so the traditional Super Bowl Champions Hosted Kick Off Game features Baltimore hosting… Continue reading

Moves Like Curtis: Championship Weekend 2013!

And now we’re in the overture for the Greatest Game of The Year, when the last four survivors of this season slug it out for the right to represent their conference in The Super Bowl.  And we’ve got four teams with varying degrees of experience in the playoffs, and four teams with varying degree of competency–hell, we have one team that has gotten here pretty much by the dint of being the only competent team in a division full of chuckleheads.  And since this is going to be a short column, I’ll finish up with my speculations on which of the match-ups Goodell wants to see. Continue reading

Moves Like Curtis: Divisional Weekend 2013!

Seahawks Redskins Football.JPEG-03f4d

We’re now into what many people consider the most exciting week of the football season, and I can see why.  You’ve still get four games over two days like last week, and the teams that are participating in them are true contenders.  There are still the stray lucky teams that squirt through (I’m looking at you, Football Jebus Led Broncos of 2012), but mostly we’re dealing with squads that have their playoff game faces on and know what they’re doing. Continue reading

Moves Like Curtis: Wild Card Weekend 2013!


Well, here we are–playoff time! Continue reading

Moves Like Curtis: Epilepsy Can Ruin Division Titles (Week 17)


And with this, Rivalry Weekend, the 2012 campaign is over for almost everyone. Continue reading

Moves Like Curtis: You Mad, Bro? (Week 16)


You’ll notice there’s no Monday Night Game.  That’s because some years ago some church-type people got all bent out of shape because the NFL dared put football games on Christmas Eve…so we’re getting Monday off. Continue reading

Moves Like Curtis: Junk Games and Playoff Positioning (Week 15)


No preamble this week…I’m filing this under the wire.  Let’s get to it, then! Continue reading