ToC: Scrooged (1988), directed by Richard Donner

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By Jacob Slater

Or, A Very Murray Christmas

I’m not totally up to snuff, or I’m suffering from writer’s block, or my hands have finally caught up to the crap my brain has come up with, so here’s a short article I managed to come up with as my gift to all of you you. No, you can’t return it.

Well it’s that time of year again folks: Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice/Festivus. A time of festivity and joy, where families and friends gather together to enjoy fine foods, exchange gifts with one another, bask in the glow of each other’s company and attempt to not be utterly rancid dicks to each other for at least 24 hours. Or, if you’re the kind of miserable dick that I sometimes tend to be, it’s a disgusting display of consumerism and greed that long since killed any sense of goodwill that the season originally had and replaced it with high suicide rates and naked opportunism. Mostly however, I tend to see Christmas and the assorted other holidays much in the same way I see the life of Batman: Full of childhood trauma, often times drifts into dark places, but ultimately a force for good. If you see any clowns at your Christmas party though, you get the fuck out of there. No good can come of it.

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Thunderlists: 5 Pretty Bad Film Adaptations of 5 Pretty Good TV Shows

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By Jacob Slater

I’m in a little bit of a depressive state at the moment, so hopefully all of my faithful imaginary readers will understand that I couldn’t muster up the will to actually do a new movie write up at the moment. Major depression doesn’t mix well with Seasonal Effectiveness Disorder I suppose. Not putting out something makes me feel like more of a failure than I already do however, so I’ve decided to trot out another edition of everyone’s favorite system of structured and organized information: a list! Because if there’s one thing the internet needs more of, it’s lists. And pornographic pictures of cartoon horses, apparently.

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Better In The Dark – Episode #1: March and April 2007 Preview

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In our inaugural episode, we preview what was then upcoming genre movies being released in March and April of 2007. And–as an added bonus–enjoy mild swearing, as this episode was not censored at the request of our radio station!

Discussed in this episode: Ghostrider, Daredevil, Bridge to Terabithia, The Abandoned, The Number 23, Joel Schumacher, Jim Carey, Zodiac, David Fincher, The Reaping, Dark Castle Entertainment, The ick moment, 300, Zack Snyder, King Kong, The Host, Godzilla, Premonition, Captivity, Hannibal Rising, Thomas Harris, Dead Silence, Rob Zombie, Ain’t It Cool News, Halloween, Remakes, The Hills Have Eyes 2, Southern Comfort, Grindhouse, The Invisible, Joss Whedon, Disturbia, Rear Window, The Island

Better In The Dark – Episode #1: March and April 2007 Preview

 

ToC: Doctor Who (1996), directed by Geoffrey Sax

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By Jacob Slater

Or, Fox Hates Goo Snakes

Considering that Doctor Who is the longest running science fiction series in television history (starting with “An Unearthly Child” way back in 1963) and has since then spawned enough spin-offs, comics, hit singles, video games, books and films to become a full fledged multi-media franchise, you’d think that would entitle it to some sort of time-based pun for the opening line of this article. Perhaps even an intentionally bad pun, so I can pretend to be awkward and we can all revel in mocking a currently unpopular form of humor. Well I’m sorry to say that we won’t be traveling down that particular path of cliches in this particular article, mostly because I couldn’t think of a pun at the time. Rather we will be revisiting my particular path of cliches, which involves a little opening bit tangentially related to the film, perhaps dipping into some autobiographical territory, before summarizing the film and failing at cogent analysis. Much like sex with the spouse that you’ve long since lost all affection towards, it’s ultimately unfulfilling but consistent.

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ToC: Mad Max (1979), directed by George Miller

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By Jacob Slater

Poor Mel Gibson, things just haven’t been going his way for the last couple of years. After a couple of social faux-pas, including sexually harassing a female police officer after being pulled over for a DUI, claiming that Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world and telling his wife that she should be gangraped by a pack of racial epithets, his star in the Hollywood sky has dimmed considerably. I mean, when your most notable movie film role in recent memory is from Expendendables 3, which is itself notable for being three times shittier than the original, you know shit has turned south for all intents and purposes. You’d think that if you’re the kind of person who thinks a secret cabal of Jewish folk control Hollywood, you probably don’t want to accuse their people of being the basis for world conflict if you’re interested in job security. By the way, if any secret Jewish leader in the film industry is reading this, I totally have no problem with you guys running Hollywood. So if you just happened to have a movie deal or a full scholarship to film school or something just lying around, I’d be more than willing to take it off your hands for you. I also accept cash and money orders.

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