By Jacob Slater
Poor Mel Gibson, things just haven’t been going his way for the last couple of years. After a couple of social faux-pas, including sexually harassing a female police officer after being pulled over for a DUI, claiming that Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world and telling his wife that she should be gangraped by a pack of racial epithets, his star in the Hollywood sky has dimmed considerably. I mean, when your most notable movie film role in recent memory is from Expendendables 3, which is itself notable for being three times shittier than the original, you know shit has turned south for all intents and purposes. You’d think that if you’re the kind of person who thinks a secret cabal of Jewish folk control Hollywood, you probably don’t want to accuse their people of being the basis for world conflict if you’re interested in job security. By the way, if any secret Jewish leader in the film industry is reading this, I totally have no problem with you guys running Hollywood. So if you just happened to have a movie deal or a full scholarship to film school or something just lying around, I’d be more than willing to take it off your hands for you. I also accept cash and money orders.
After proclaiming that he would “sock Asti in his mouth from here on out” last time we spoke to him, Kelen has done nothing of the sort. In fact, over three weeks, he lost more ground to The Buzz-Saw after picking his beloved Hurricanes to upset the still-undefeated Seminoles.
In Week 10, The Hyphen also made the inexplicable choice of choosing Texas Tech over Texas, a move that would have gained him a game on Asti. Instead, he sits 5 games back with 3 weeks to go. Kelen hasn’t spoken to the media since his infamous quote we mentioned above. Here’s an out of context tweet from The Buzz-Saw about the situation.
@bhyphen But you do suck!
— Mike J. Asti (@MikeAsti11) November 18, 2014
Safe to say, Asti is all but assured a third consecutive Golden Keg Championship.